My Itty Bitty Shitty Committee is meeting and working overtime with their trying and useless chatter and commentary. This powerful inner committee holds their meetings in my head and its members are my fears. They do a lot of talking but not much listening. Some days the committee works nonstop 24/7 telling their opinion. They are often hard at work even before I get out of bed in the morning and still going strong way after I retire to bed at night.
“When I’m alone I’m outnumbered” – Unknown
These internal thoughts and opinions all have their own voice. It is not just one voice but all the voices from my life and history. They can be the voice of my parents, sister, friend, boss, employee and/or coworkers to name a few. These voices are always in judgement of me even if I have done nothing but had an innocent constructive idea. They hijack my thoughts with critique and self doubt.
They say things like “Don’t do that”, “Your doing it wrong”, “You know that will never work”, “You can easily do that, go for it” or any other comment from the tapes and voices that are rerun over and over in my head. This committee also gives instant feedback where immediately I hear the response others might say such as “I knew you could not do that”, “Your not as good as him and you will make a fool of yourself”, or “I told you so, loser”.
These thoughts are all self defeating and only make it difficult to find direction and hear my own voice from all the background chatter. The jabbering committee when in full swing can be devastating in their ability to defeat through distraction. In general this committee is working to wear me down. They most certainly never assist me in achieving new heights or clarity.
“Is the noise in my head bothering you?” – Unknown
This committee is the multiple internal thought processes / internal realization / inner dialogue with oneself. Everyone has this self talk. It is often a direct reflection of sense of self, sense of worth and self esteem. Self will rationalizing everything… right, wrong or indifferent.
Drinking helped put down the committee’s voices but it also made it more difficult to recognize my own inner voice from all their trash talk. In drinking, I tried to drown my fears and emotions but the crazy committee members taught the bastards to swim.
As an alcoholic/addict I have to watch my thinking processes and recognize it for what it is. Alcoholism distorts our way of thinking. After all, my best thinking got me to some pretty bad places and unsavory situations. In fact, I need to consider being alone in my head as a bad neighborhood. A neighborhood where some undesirable characters try to guide me in directions that are probably not in my best interest.
Don’t get in your own way by letting your own committee distract you. There are some things that can be done to help manage this committee and quiet the noise they put forth. These processes and thoughts are not you but are independent from the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of self. That means we can put them in their place and manage them. Once it is recognized that we have a itty bitty shitty committee we can do things to quite them and/or at least make sure we recognize the committee members for who they are and deal with them appropriately. This can be very liberating knowing that we can learn to tune them out like we do commercials and enjoy a reprieve from their judgements.
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“It is only when we silence the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.”
The Big Book states (pg. 85) “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition”. Through prayer and meditation our Higher Power helps us with our daily reprieve and if asked will assume the position of the chairperson of our inner committee. We ask for his guidance with our life and help with our self will running wild and acting out in our thought processes. For me this daily reprieve is my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself and this includes taming those little voices amplified 10 fold from the cunning, baffling and powerful illness of alcoholism.
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The big book states (pg. 84) that if we feel disturbed (selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear) that we immediately ask God to remove them when they crop up. Are any of the thoughts being governed by selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and/or fear? If so, recognize the committee member for who they are and tell him his input is no longer needed.
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One of the best things to do to get rid of the committee is talk to your sponsor, a friend in the program or your pastor. The committee will disappear quickly as you let others in. Talking to your sponsor about your thoughts is often recommended to be a regular part of our recovery and a valuable tool in keeping the committee in check and restoring us to some form of sanity again.
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When seeking an answer or guidance, sometimes you just to have to accept that the answer might not be known to us. It helps to think of things we have read in the big book, heard in AA meetings or to ask yourself “what would my sponsor do”. We can also read the big book and focus on the principles and tools of our 12 step program, journal or give of oneself by doing some volunteer work. This would give a little distance from the committee and provide a needed break. Wait and be patient and do the next right thing of working the steps and helping others. Pray and stay focused on the right path and clarity can be found and self doubt conquered. We learn to practice these principles in all our affairs and that includes for help with our thought processes as well.
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“What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail” – Robert Schuller
If the committee is overwhelming you with self doubt sometimes it helps to “act as if” or better known in 12 step programs “fake it til you make it”. To do this one imitates confidence so that it will generate real confidence and produce success in ones life. It might be awkward at first but with a little practice it gets easier and easier. Act as if you are good enough. Act as if you can do this. Act as if you are the best. Act as if you deserve to be happy, joyous and free. By acting as if, we tap into the power of the possible and we supersede the literal and predicable.
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No matter what is going on in our life and our committee, we need to always ask our Higher Power for guidance and direction and recognize that we have a committee in our head that we can not trust. Understanding this is a big step in the right direction to retrain, remove, resend or retire your committee so that your own inner voice, with guidance from the Higher Power and the tools of our 12 step program, will set you on the right course.
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With a little work and help from the Higher Power, the itty bitty shitty committee can be renamed the Internal Advisory Committee where members can contribute their unique, insightful and vital perspectives to help you live the fullest life possible.
“Today I recognize the danger of being alone and out numbered” – Unknown
Committee meeting adjourned.
